True meaning of love

It was my first time in my life to accompany my mom to the operating theatre. It was like going back many years ago when I had a hernia operation when I was wheeled to the operating theatre at SGH. I could remember vividly that 20 odd years ago, the only person who followed me to the operating theatre was my mom. Her warm smile was just sufficient to warm my soul before I was wheeled into the operating theatre. Imagine urself lying on the hard metallic operating table alone and staring at the cold ceiling with fluroscent lights wheeling past your eyes. It could be an eerie and scary moment.

It was like a flashback to that day and now by the side of my mother, it was her gay son who accompanied her to the theatre. At least it was comforting to her that she was not alone in this world. With my warm smile and my hand on her clasped hands, it was even more comforting to her.

Finally, she was wheeled into the theatre while chanting her prayer. I waved her "Don't Worry Mum. I will be here for you always."

I was jolted back to the reality by a hard slap on my cheek. "Are you all right?", a nurse asked me. As I tried to get up, an acute pain was felt in lower right abdomen and I could not raise my body any further. "You cannot get up. You've to lie down.", a nurse told me. I realised that I was in a recovery unit when I was 6 years old. I looked around in a recovery unit. I saw a young boy whom I could remember vaguely that he also went for hernia operation. He had already woken up. It was like 2 lying persons staring into the space with no words. Finally, 2 staff came in and pushed my stretcher out of the operating theatre. At that time, I was groggy from anesthesia and my vision still blurred. I looked at that boy once more time and my last glimpse at him was my last farewell and good-luck look to him. Out of the theatre, a familiar figure appeared on my side and that was my mom again, walking along side with me.

After 17:53hrs, I was waiting impatiently outside the theatre. I repeatedly asked the staff nurse where my mom was. I was so apprehensive that I paced up and down non-stop while the clock mercilessly ticked away. As I walked past the door, I heard the door rumbling loudly and saw 2 nurses pushing the bed out of the ward. I scrutinised at the patient and she looked so pale. That was my mom with so many tubes emanating from her neck. At that time, her eyes were closed and I looked at my mom once more time. Her neck was swollen and my heart ached for her. She has suffered so much in her life and yet she retained full of life, dignity and charisma. Then i enquired the staff nurse about her health. She was doing well and my mom was finally awakened by my voice. She finally saw me and smiled. I know it was comforting to her that I am always there for her in times of her needs.

Sometimes I ponder in life, it is strange. One person did so much for you before and many years later, you will eventually do the same thing for that person without any questions, perhaps doing exactly the same thing as he or she did to you before.

Sometimes I think to myself, our steadfast and unconditional love between my mom and I, will never be diluted with time, unlike the momemtary or fleeting gay love which will probably fade within a few years or even few weeks passing by.

So now, the question to me is that it is a possibility to have a true love that exists among the gay couples who would be there for each other. It is not like sending an email to you saying that "Hey, I like your profile and I would like to be your boyfriend or date if you don't mind." Sometimes, when I received this kind of email, I honestly am pissed off by this thoughtless and brazen email that really speaks volume of one's character. From this email, one could tell that that person was really desperate for love that nourished his needs and a temporary relief for his loneliess. But he failed to see in a long term that what he perceived as a love would eventually dry up. Thus, the cycle of new love, sex, betrayal and break-up will still go on and we will never be free of this vicious cycle. It will go on and on. I believe that love is not something that come out of the blue but it is something that comes naturally. What is meant to be yours will be yours and we do not have chase love. For me, as my friend advises me, "Let Love finds me eventually." , I believe it is all pre-destined.

[Infinite Love] is a weapon of matchless potency.
It is the "summum bonum" of Life.
It is an attribute of the brave, in fact it is their all.
It does not come within the reach of the coward.
It is no wooden or lifeless dogma but a living and life-giving force.
It is the special attribute of the heart.

- Mahatma Gandhi -